Personal growth

Say Yes to Communication Success

Kollar Couples Counselling Services VancouverHave you ever requested or mentioned something to your partner only to follow up on it a few days later and hear he or she has no recollection of what you had said?  You could attribute it to your partner having poor listening skills but that could lead to feeling resentful and if it happens repeatedly, even lonely. Another, more self-empowering, approach is to ask yourself if you are doing everything you can to set up each communication exchange for success.  Often times, we assume it is a good time for our partner to receive whatever information we are trying to impart on him or her whenever it happens to be a good time for ourselves.  In reality, it’s probably not a good time.  Shouting from the kitchen when your partner is in the next room or talking when your partner is on the internet or watching a program on tv are typical examples of acting on this assumption.

Tip:  To set up each communication exchange for success try asking your partner if this is a good time for him or her to listen to you.  Your partner may reply yes and give you undivided attention which means looking directly at you and confirming that they have heard you. However, sometimes it just isn’t a good time for your partner. In that case, ask your partner when he or she will be available to give you full attention.  Keep in mind, when your partner ask this of you, you probably want to give them a precise time you’ll be available on that same day.

Infidelity – We can heal and grow from it

Kollar Counselling BlogA poignant Ted Talk, “Rethinking Infidelity…a talk for anyone who has every loved”, by Esther Perel, a leading relationship therapist and author asks us to question contemporary social norms and attitudes about marriage and affairs.  With regards to the high divorce rate in our culture, she describes people having ‘happiness entitlement’ so that many are now getting divorced not to be happy but to be happier.  She speaks of the social norm that dictates we must leave our partner upon discovering their affair and of the shame one can feel when they instead choose to stay and work on the relationship.

Some of the many positive messages from this talk are that relationships can heal after an affair.  In fact, the fear of loss an affair incites can actually rekindle desire and create a depth in conversations that a couple may not have had in years and consequently foster self growth and discovery.

She explains a crucial ingredient to healing is that the person who had the affair feels and expresses their remorse and concern about hurting their partner therefore demonstrating to their partner they have not forgotten the damage the affair created.

Esther maintains that in contemporary western culture, you will have three main relationships or marriages in your adult life.  After an affair, your first marriage is over.  It is up to you to decide if you want to create the second one together.   

Watch video here.

Turning to a confidant about your relationship problems? Ensure it is helping you and your relationship.

When dealing with a difficult situation in your relationship, it is common to turn to a family member or friend for a supportive ear.  Unfortunately, sometimes that supportive ear may be creating more problems in your relationship. One way turning to a confidant can be detrimental to your relationship is if that person colludes with you. This will prevent you from seeing your part in it and believing the state of the relationship is solely your partner’s fault. It is also counterproductive if your confidant feels anger towards your partner instead of staying neutral.  Lastly, it is clear they do not value your relationship or its longevity,  if your confidant seems to encourage you to leave the relationship after each fight instead of helping you work on it. (more…)

You Can be Right, or You Can Have a Relationship, but You Can’t Have Both!

Often times, couples fall into the same pattern of arguing. To find who truly is at fault, each partner can talk over the other in a futile attempt to prove his or her version of the issue that sparked the argument, is the “right” version.  This only results in a communication break down where no one’s point of view is actually being heard. Sound familiar?

How does one stay connected to their partner even when discussing differences? You can stay connected by welcoming your partner’s perspective and validating it. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with it but you can accept it as valid just as you feel your perspective is. (more…)

Wanting to improve your relationship? Striving for balance in your life is a big part of the solution.


Often times when we are looking to enhance or repair our relationship, a crucial element to the solution can be easily overlooked. A successful relationship depends on both partners working towards balance in life.
Have you ever noticed that when you feel tired from a lack of sleep, lonely from not spending time with friends and family, or bored from not pursuing your interests and hobbies, your relationship begins to feel tense or disconnected? That’s because your relationship, while able to meet some of your needs, cannot fulfill all of them. Nor can you begin to be the kind of partner you aim to be when feeling depleted in this way. Therefore, balance is a must. (more…)